Chapter 79: Normal.Life.

As the lunch crowd began to disperse, MM took me by the arm. “Surprise.” She grinned.

I nodded, returning her warm smile. “I just gotta ask you. How did you find us? Find John?”

“Ever heard of Google? It’s so easy. John’s an author, so you Google his book, find his publisher, bribe her with a donation to her favorite charity, or worse, claim to be his long-estranged aunt who has only weeks to live. She contacts John, John calls me and bingo. He’s here on the redeye.”

“Clever.”

“Not really. I’m a woman on a mission. And time’s a’wastin’, as they say in Ohio. Drew, you’re on board, aren’t you? I realize you still have a practice to attend to, but can you make the time? I promise you, this time around, you won’t be disappointed.”

“Disappointed? In you?”

“I wasn’t the best friend the first time around. I’d like what my granddaughter calls a ‘do-over.’”

“You’d be surprised at the number of people I’ve reconnected with this weekend who want the same thing.” I leaned in and kissed MM on the cheek. “Consider it done.”

We all made fervent promises to stay in touch.

MM reminded us as we left Alumni Hall: “Don’t forget. Our first board meeting is in September. We have work to do.” After more than a few tearful goodbyes, I led John back to the Lawn.

 It was another sticky, unseasonably warm Virginia afternoon. Like so many before us, we found refuge on the shaded bench in front of Pavilion Two.

            “This feels familiar,” said John.

            “We were here in 2003. On our trip when you met Mama.”

“Right. I think we have a picture of the three of us on this bench.” John laughed. “But none of you and I holding hands.”

I sighed. “No. Probably not. In fact, I’d bet money on it.”

          I was sitting on a multitude of questions. The first one flew out, without preamble.

            “So what make you decide to come? I mean, you hate this sort of thing.”

            “I hate the small talk.”

            “I know. And I had some of that in the last 48 hours. But, there were more times than not where I think you might have felt part of things. You’re so much a part of me now, John. When people ask about me, I find you constantly in my frame of reference. How I make choices with you in mind. What I feel is important is inexplicably entwined with what we feel is important. The small talk didn’t feel as small this visit.” I laughed. “Maybe it’s our age.”

“We are old. Officially,” joked John.

“So you tell me.”

“So, go on.”

“Well, I met an old acquaintance—she actually dumped me after one date—can you imagine? Anyway, she has cancer, not much time left. She said something that resonated with me: she can’t devote her time to ‘small talk.’ Too much of a waste. Instead, she focuses on ‘large talk.’ The important stuff. The meaningful conversations you wish you could get to without the long, warm-up topics that just don’t matter. I had more of those meaningful conversations during this visit.”

            “Sounds like therapy.” John smiled.

            “It does. It was, especially in a few dicey moments, but mostly it felt like we were connecting on a less surface level.”

            John nodded. “Tell ‘em to send cash.” An inside joke, we both laughed.

            “MM left a note in my packet. On the back of her business card.” I handed the card to John. 

He read aloud. “Never take it for granted, Drew. You’re living authentically. It’s all I ever wanted for Tayloe. I just wanted her to have a normal life. MM.”

John turned the card over and over in his hand. “She makes it sound so simple. I wonder if a straight person can ever understand the chasm that separates ‘normal’ from ‘life’ for a gay person?”

I sighed. “And this afternoon? The whole time I was sitting there I felt like such a fraud. You didn’t know me back then. You didn’t know just how hard I fought it—how I fought who I was. Every day. The goddam Plan. Wanting what I wasn’t, what I couldn’t have. Denying it all. Hoping a woman, the right woman, could change it all. Authentic? What a fucking joke.”

John put his arm around me. I leaned into his chest. There was a tiny part of me that hesitated, wondering if the 21st century south could handle the sight of us embracing in public, in the full light of day.

And then, there was a much larger part of me that said simply, “Fuck it.”

Later, we checked into the suite that John had reserved for us at the Boar’s Head Inn.

“A king bed. John, you are the most brilliant man on planet earth,” I said as I stretched out on the Egyptian cotton sheets. “There is no way we would ever have fit on that single, creaky bed in my Range room.”

“But what about all that history? All that charm? I’ll bet this room isn’t more than 50 years old, tops.” John teased.

“Let Poe have the charm. He can write a poem about it.”

John showered. I brushed my teeth while I luxuriated in the air conditioning.

“You know, I never realized how much I appreciate hot water. I’d forgotten how spartan things were when I lived on the Lawn. The Range wasn’t much better.”

John wrapped himself in a towel. “I think you’ve forgotten how spoiled we are.”

“Damn right. Bring it on.”

He toweled his hair.

“John. It just occurred to me. How did you know how to find me today? The luncheon wasn’t on the agenda. It was invitation only.”

“MM.”

“What?

“MM. She called me. Yesterday. Thought it might be nice if you had some moral support.”

“Ok. She told me how she found you. But, weren’t you a little skeptical?”

“Yeah, and I Googled her back. She checked out. She’s the real deal.”

“Yeah. But, I wonder why she waited to call? Until the day before. I mean, the other spouses were there.”

“But they came for the whole Alumni weekend. They were already there. Cocktail party, fund-raising presentations, state of the University, dinner on the Lawn. What am I missing?” He to stood at the mirror, combing his hair. I was jealous of his full head of dark hair. It made a mockery of my thinning pate.

“Yes, true. The other spouses were subjected, on some level, to your versions of the seven circles of hell.”

“But you said a lot of it wasn’t as bad this year.”

          “That’s definitely true. But, what made you get on a plane, last minute and fly across the country with no notice? After one talk with a woman you’d never heard of?”